He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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