I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
