You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
