Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
