if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Come share oat with me in your robe
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
