bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
