Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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