She went from zero to smokin in five shots
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
