She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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