tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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