my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
