If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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