Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
