dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
