my room smells like sperm. sweet.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
