Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
