Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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