Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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