apparently the secret to your success is patron
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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