I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
