I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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