if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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