I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
