I accidentally had phone sex last night
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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