God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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