i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Randomize
