Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
