party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
