I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
