Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
