she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
