I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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