Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I want her autograph on my taint
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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