i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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