I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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