Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Randomize
