This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
