You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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