I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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