Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
