Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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