I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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