The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
