we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I forgot wine drunk hurts
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I know her cup size but not her name....
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