i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
