My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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