So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
