The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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