i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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