it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it hurts more in the daytime
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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