so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I stole a fireplace last night.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
