I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
