He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
