You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize