i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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