Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
