no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
