Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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